How to Survive in the Varia
by O.OPanda
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS! You have been accepted to the Varia, Vongola's #1 assassin squad! If you thought your family was weird and annoying before, this new one will be the end of you! But don't worry, this guide will help you and who knows? You might fit in!
1. Chapter 1

**Survival Tip #1: Keep all weapons and defenses with you at all times.**

"Uh, hi…" I said awkwardly when the door suddenly opened in front of me. And lo, behold a group of guys. Wow, how sexist. Isn't there a law against that? I've been here for 5 seconds, still at the doorway, and I'm already annoyed. _Hmph, well, I guess I'm here. So it's okay…I think._

"Hello~" a creepy man with a green Mohawk said, stretching the "o." I don't know how or why, but he suddenly invaded my personal bubble. And it's hard to look away when he pretty much took up all your view.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

Oh, _yeah_. My parents taught me about this. When a creepy stranger tries to get close to you…roundhouse kick them in the face. So I did.

**[Congratulations! You have followed Survival Tip #1! +10 seconds of living!]**

"Oh, my! What a nice kick! So full of…power! Energy! And—"

"Alright, your turn's over, Luss," a long-haired man said, interrupting the Mohawk guy with both his words and his foot. Poor guy's skull must be crushed between the wall and those boots. Tsk, tsk. Oh well, I doubt he had a brain anyway. No loss.

"Oh, you're Squalo, right?" I noted. He just turned to me and made a face that said without words,"_So what if I am?"_

"Dino said his conversation with you on the phone went something like this:

_?: VOOOOOOOOOOIIII!_

_Dino: SQU-SQUALO?_

_Squalo: Yeah, that's right! It's me, you moron! Listen, I got a couple of questions for you!_

_Dino: Uh…okay. (Why is he calling me?)_

_Squalo: Do you know any Cloud users?_

_Dino: Oh, yeah…one of my friends._

_Squalo: Is he strong?_

_Dino: _She_ is strong, yes._

_Squalo: GIRL? ARE YOU SOME F***ING SISSY? DON'T YOU HAVE ANY GUY FRIENDS?_

_Dino: Yeah…_

_Squalo: Don't believe you. Alright, what's her name?_

_Dino: …Star Lo—_

_Squalo: Alright *click*_

_Dino: …"_

Though Squalo remained silent, I've earned a cough from a man with scars on his face and a strange laugh from a blonde with no perceptible eyes.

"VOOOOOIII! THAT'S NOT HOW IT WENT!" he blurted, drawing all attention towards him. I remained silent. He released Mr. Green Mohawk Guy and walked over to me instead…with a sword.

"LISTEN UP, BRAT! IT REALLY WENT LIKE THIS," he (supposedly) cried.

_Squalo: __VOOOOOOOOOOIIII!_

_Dino: SQU-SQUALO-SAMA?_

_Squalo: Yeah, that's right! It's me, you moron! Listen, I got a couple of questions for you!_

_Dino: Uh, sure! Absolutely, Squalo-dono._

_Squalo: Do you know any Cloud users?_

_Dino: Of course, Squalo-dage!_

_Squalo: Is he strong?_

_Dino: Unfortunately, Squalo-senpai, I can only suggest of a female Cloud user._

_Squalo: GIRL? ARE YOU SOME F***ING SISSY? DON'T YOU HAVE ANY GUY FRIENDS?_

_Dino: My apologies, Master Squalo._

_Squalo: Whatever! What's her name?_

_Dino: Star Lo—_

_Squalo: I can't stand anymore of your pathetic voice. *hangs up*_

I stared blankly at Squalo. I think he said something…Squalo returned to the others and shouted something…I think. Finally, I thought he'd never leave. I pulled out my earplugs.

**Survival Tip #2: When Squalo gets within a 10 feet radius of you, put on earplugs.**

**[Congratulations! You have followed Survival Tip #2! -3 weeks of deafness!]**

"You said something, Squalo?" I smiled sweetly holding my earplugs visibly. Squalo was pissed .

"Can I have some of those?" Mr. Frog Hat asked blandly. I looked at him and shrugged. I tossed him a pack of earplugs.

"FRAN! YOU TRAITOR!" Squalo yelled. But Fran already had his earplugs in place. Squalo continued to yell. Is he stupid? He's wasting his energy yelling at someone who can't even hear him. Well I guess his finger-pointing and mouth movements must have meant something.

"Ushishishi…" the blonde with no perceptible eyes laughed next to me. He had swept silently to my side. Silently. Well, I'm glad _someone_ isn't incredibly loud and annoying.

"Ciao," I said, turning to him with a small smile. Oh, wow a tiara. What a man. The only tiaras I've seen were on beheaded princesses and rich girls at their weddings (which I crashed). This is new.

"Nice tiara," I noted with an unintentional mocking smile. I earned a knife that almost hit my face, except I caught it…on the edge. Dang, I'm bleeding now.

"Crown," he corrected, still smiling manically. He slowly took the knife clasped in my left hand, cutting deeper within my palm. Ow! I quickly released my grip while wincing painfully. _You bastard!_

"Oh? The peasant is bleeding? Not the Prince's fault," he walked off, leaving me holding my bleeding left hand. What kind of…

"YOU BASTARD!"

"Ushishishi~. It's Prince. Prince Belphegor."

"What a name. I think I'll just call you Poser. It's shorter," I said. Damn it. Did I really want more injuries? Mental slap.

"She's right, Bel-sempai. You're just a wannabe," Fran said. Well, I'm glad someone agrees with me. But Squalo's still shouting and he hadn't removed his earplugs, so how does he know what we're saying? Gasp. Can he read minds?

"I read lips, not minds," he directed towards me. I don't believe him.

"Hey, kid," some guy with lip piercings called. Now what? Was he even referring to me?

"Cloud kid, name's Leviathan. I warn you, stay away from the Boss. Don't bother him and I'll let you live," he said. Apparently so. Well, that means I met everyone except the Boss. The Boss has to be the guy with the scars. Oh and what luck. I'm about to meet the Boss. He's right in front of me.

Stare.

Stare.

Stare.

It's déjà vu. But I didn't break it this time. The Boss did. He held out his hand silently…What do I do now? Uh…Damn it, I'm taking too much time. I took his hand and smiled nervously.

"Uh…Call me Star, Star Nimis Locke."

He let go of my tiny-in-comparison hand. _You could at least give me your name…_but he turned away and tossed me a roll of bandages. I caught it. Ah, dang, my hand's still bleeding…and I just shook his hand with it. _Stupid…I think 10 minutes with Squalo turned you like this ._I sighed. The Boss left. Great, I met everyone. Lovely. The Green Mohawk guy (Luss) took my hand.

"I'll help you with that~~" he said sweetly.

I sighed, too tired to argue. It took 10 minutes to meet everyone, but it felt like hours. _If there's a God up there, tell him I found the devils_.

**[Congratulations! You have met the Varia! -70 years off remaining life span!]**


	2. Chapter 2

**Survival Tip #3: Obey Xanxus. Period.**

In addition to Tip #3, I was also warned not to bother Xanxus by someone who I could have easily mistook as motorbike gangster. Or maybe someone celebrating Halloween early. Either way, he was an obsessive toady which I found out within hours of my debut.

"There's no internet here," I complained to a certain long-haired captain, the closest person to me right now with authority. Lussuria informed me about the Varia while healing my hand. Except I stopped paying attention when he suddenly told me Squalo's a captain. Honestly, I was surprised his rank was so high. I guess intelligence isn't a factor here in the Varia. Neither is helpfulness.

"Why the f*** do I care?" he snarled. I ensured I was more than 10 feet away from him just in case he yells. I also had my earplugs pocketed for back-up.

"You _should _care. Internet is how people connect these days. You realize you're still Vongola, right?" I said. He looked like he was about to interrupt, but I didn't let him. It's not like he was going to say anything intelligent anyway. "Well, in case you didn't, you _are_ Vongola. How do you communicate with the rest of the members?" He was about to interrupt again. Not a chance. "Yes, I realize phones work. But don't you ever have to research stuff?" He opened his mouth again, but I continued. "Okay, there _is_ the library, but I doubt you guys even keep that organized. The internet's easier. You can keep records on all your missions too." He wants to speak again. "Yeah, you guys might do it the old-fashioned way and use file cabinets. Computer files are easier and with internet, you can transfer files simple. Even an idiot like you can do it." Alright, so I wasn't able to stop him from speaking this time.

"VOOOOOIII! WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN IDIOT?" he screamed. I winced. I think my right ear might have gone deaf. Permanently. He looked at me with a "Useless. Why are you even here?" face.

"C'mon, Squalo. It's not like I'm asking you to make me a sandwich. Just establish internet connection," I said, "And don't give me that face."

Stare.

"Talk to the f***ing boss about it," he tossed me a beer bottle, "and bring that to him, while you're at it."

I shrugged and watched him go downstairs before I realized I had no idea where the Boss was. _Dang, Squalo's stupidity really is contagious._ I sighed, disappointed in myself. Oh look, another person.

"Hey, Levi!" I called down the hall. He did not respond and simply continued standing pointlessly in front of a door. _Is everyone lacking manners here?...Oh well, I don't really have the right to complain. _I ran up to him.

"Do you know where the Boss is?" I asked. His face showed signs of annoyance (thinking I want to bother the boss), reluctance (when he realized I had a bottle of beer for him), and finally his usual frown when he opened the door behind him.

"Hey, Boss," I smiled. Xanxus raised his eyebrows. I wanted to raise my eyebrows too. _So _you're_ the kind of Boss who doesn't establish internet connection in a world where technology progresses by the nanosecond?_

"Can you establish internet connection here?" I asked. I heard Levi growling. _What the heck? He entered too?_

"She must be bothering you! Don't worry, Boss! I'll get rid of her!" he said picking me up by the collar.

"HEY! WHAT THE HE—"

"Fine. Establish the internet connection." _Awesome cakes._ Levi dropped me and turned to the Boss. _Let me guess, you're going to offer to establish the connection for the Boss._

"In that case, I shall call up some grunts to establish internet connection for you," he saluted and left. _Close enough. _Xanxus looked at me.

"Trash, leave."

"Bu—"

"Leave." He pulled out a gun.

"I—"

"Leave." He pulled out another gun.

I sighed and gave up. Closing the door behind me, I left. With his beer bottle. _Oh well, it's going to be blamed on Squalo anyway._

**[Congratulations! You have followed Survival Tip #3! +1 beer bottle!]**

* * *

**EXTRA**- _How to Make a "How to Survive in the Varia" Guide_

"You should get me a send-off present," I said, biting into a cream puff, "It's partly your fault I'm going to the Varia."

"What? It was your decision! I just (accidentally) gave Squalo your name," Dino laughed, "but if you want, I'll treat you to these cream puffs."

"What? I already paid!" I said rolling my eyes, "I paid for that coffee you're drinking right now too."

"Haha, alright."

_-The Next Day-_

"I'm leaving tomorrow. Any plans on a send-off gift?" I said, biting into my cream puff.

"Yep. Here," Dino said sliding a small booklet across the table. I looked, surprised.

"How'd you make it?" I flipped through a few pages.

"I just called Squalo and asked how his day went."

* * *

**You-Should-Read-This Notice:**

This story is under Romance and I don't really have a pairing in mind. Suggestions? Or should I just remove the Romance and make it Humor alone?

**Very-Useless-Info Notice:**

This was a filler moment to progress and understand relations. It wasn't very funny (I'm very disappointed in myself and I bet you are too). This chapter is actually really short if you don't count the extra and these extra words I'm writing here to take up space.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer**: I realized I never put a disclaimer. So basically I don't own _Katekyo Hitman Reborn! _because it belongs to Amano Akira. And if I had a name that cool, I wouldn't be here.

* * *

**Survival Tip #4: Don't eat it…or drink it.**

_What's that supposed to mean?_ I wondered. _Could Dino have possibly known I'd run away with Xanxus' beer? _Hmm, though it was highly unlikely, Fran was (probably) able to read minds so I didn't rule out the possibility. But I doubt Dino's smart enough to know that. I wondered if he wanted me to starve to death with this kind of tip. Or does it have a distinct meaning that I don't get yet and will have to figure out? _I can't do that! Doesn't he know Squalo's idiocy is contagious? Or has he been around Squalo too long that he's too stupid to realize that?_ Amazing, I wonder if my brains will disappear into nothingness too if I continue here. But…the pay here is good so I'll just buy myself another brain. I better start saving.

"Starry! It's time for dinner!" a shrilly voice called from outside my room. After hearing him going on and on for 3 hours about how wonderful his "Varia family" is, I can pretty much recognize who he was. It's…

* * *

"Lussuria…the chicken is still moving," I said, staring at the plate he laid before me.

"Mm, it's best to eat it fresh you know!" he smiled, placing a fork in my hand.

"Lussuria…the chicken still has feathers," I noted, eyes unwavering.

"Mm, it's best to eat it naturally you know!" he smiled, placing a knife into my other hand.

"Lussuria…the chicken is pecking on the plate," I pointed out.

"Mhm, of course, sweetie! It's your special welcome meal, if not a bit rushed. But it should taste fine! Try it!" he draped a piece of cloth around my neck.

_I'd rather not. But do you think giving this knife to Bel might improve our relationship?_

**[Congratulations! You have followed Survival Tip #4! -4 to 7 days worth of diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps due to salmonella!]**

"Well?" Luss smiled eagerly. He obvioiusly wanted to know what I thought of the chicken, even though he's been beside me this whole time and I haven't taken a bite of it. Oh great, now the chicken's running away. No puns intended. No, seriously, it's on the other side of the table now. Which is something to say since the mess hall has a table 30 feet long and I'm on the other end.

"Oh? The chicken was great. Can I have the recipe?" I said placing the tableware down. Before you read any further, that was an insult behind a mask of sarcasm, clever wording, and half-jokes. It basically meant_,_ "Idiot, I didn't even eat it. Or do you always see hallucinations of people you know eating a live chicken with a knife and fork?" Yeah, I know insulting the Varia often led to either death or heavy hospital fees. But none of that happened anyway.

"Oh my~~ Of course, Starry! Hold on a minute, I make you a copy of the recipe," he bounced out of the room full of smiles, rainbows, and pink unicorns. I just sat there, dumbfounded. No way in hell am I going to sit and wait 60 whole seconds for a recipe that will say nothing but "Put chicken on plate." I got up and glanced at the annoying chicken on the other end.

"Cluck cluck," it said before pecking and taking a few steps forward. I walked up to it, having nothing better to do.

"Hey...Cluck," I said giving it the most uncreative name for a chicken on this side of the universe in half a second (which I'm sure it appreciates). Or maybe Peck is...I'll just ask Ranking Fuuta next time.

"Cluck cluck."

"So...I'm hungry. Do you want to go out for dinner?" I asked when my stomach grumbled. Oh, this is new: I just asked a chicken out for dinner. Perhaps sanity was giving up on me?

"Cluck cluck."

"Alright. You're paying."

I left Cluck at the front door before going to get changed in my room. Being the hungry person I was, I picked the first outfit and got out. What? Did you expect a short black dress to impress my date? For your information, I don't own anything like that...nor will I buy one like that...and I don't want anything like that...so if anyone plans of giving me something like that, heads up: The fireplace downstairs burns things nicely. No, that's not a threat. It's a warning behind a simple sentence that emits a dark aura. Yes, yes, that's it. Back downstairs, I noticed three things that I didn't like. One, Bel was holding Cluck. Two, Cluck had a knife to his throat. Three, Fran was there and he was arguing with Bel the best way to prepare a chicken.

"Hey, guys," I said walking up to them. Cluck gave a cluck (no surprise there) and my fellow assassins looked up from the chicken to acknowledge my presence.

"Can I have Cluck back?" I asked, giving a glance to Cluck to indicate I'm talking about the chicken.

"You're going to eat it without sharing? How selfish," Fran complained dully.

"Uh, no. The chicken promised to take me out to dinner and I plan to take him up on that," I said.

...

"The Prince will follow!" You-Know-Who said, throwing the chicken behind him.

"Me too," Fran said, catching the chicken and tossing it at me.

Nooooo...My date...Not that it really mattered. Oh well.

"Cluck cluck."

"Shut up. This is all your fault."

* * *

_At the Restuarant-_

"I'll have the coleslaw, potato salad, fruit salad, a V8, and a strawberry pudding. Got that?" I said, reading items off the menu. The waitress wrote it quickly and nodded.

"Good. Now double it, please," I smiled. The waitress gawked at me.

"A-Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Oh, and what would you like, Cluck?"

"Cluck cluck."

"They don't have that here."

"Cluck cluck."

"Alright, fine. Get him some grass please."

"W-We...uh...Never mind. Okay. Is that all?"

"Yeah."

The waitress collected the menus awkwardly and noticeably hurried away. I sighed and leaned back on my chair. Bel and Fran, who have ordered before me, stared at me. Actually...I'm not sure about Bel since he obviously hadn't got a haircut for 2 years.

"You understand that chicken?"

"Nope."

"So you just made all that up?"

"Yeah. I like scaring waitresses."

"Ushishi."

* * *

"165€?"

"Y-Yes, miss."

Fran got up and said, "Thanks for the meal."

"WHAT? FRAN!" I cried angrily as he left. Bel gave a low laugh.

"The Prince would also like some chocolate cake to go," Bel smiled as the waitress went to get some chocolate cake. I glared daggers at the guy...but stood no chance to his knives.

"Don't glare at the Prince," he said, casting a few knives in my direction. I caught them all before I could get blamed for property damage.

"This is a public place! Don't throw knives!" I hissed, tossing his knives back. No, I don't care about the blood gushing out of the cuts on my palm and fingers. Slap a band-aid on and I'll be fine. Bel shrugged and took the chocolate cake out of the waitress' hands and left.

Glare.

Glare.

Glare at the space where Bel was.

Glare.

I sighed and turned to Cluck.

"So...you're not paying either, huh?"

"Cluck cluck."

"Figured." I handed over my wallet.

**Survival Tip #5: Have money prepared at all times.**

**[Congratulations! You have followed Survival Tip #5! +1 reason to hate Bel/Fran/Cluck!]**

* * *

**Somewhat-Useless-Info Notice:**

This is my longest chapter even without the useless words I'm writing here. Another filler moment. Since chapter 2 was Squalo, Levi, and Xanxus, I present Luss, Bel, and Fran...and Cluck. Though I'm not really sure if Bel and Fran would just follow Star to dinner. I think my sense of humor's coming back (if you don't count Tip #5 because that was just not funny)! Please tell me if I'm wrong because if my sense of humor turns out to be unfunny, it will be so sad to try it in real life.

Now about the Romance/Humor thing, I appreciate all the answers. xD I read every one of them. :) A lot of answers contradicted one another though. So maybe we can compromise. Humor with vague hints at romance. :D Probably not...but since no plot is forming yet, I think I'll leave the question up again:

This story is under Romance and I don't really have a pairing in mind. Suggestions? Or should I just remove the Romance and make it Humor alone?

•Salmonella is bacteria found on corrupted food like raw meat...or something.

•Also, 165€ is about $209-210 (U.S.).

•Star is friends with Dino, as stated in chapter 1 during the phone call. Whether I choose to elaborate on that depends on future inspiration :)

•Late, but happy birthday to Gokudera.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:** I always seem to forget this. I do not own _Katekyo Hitman Reborn!_ I own Star though. Not that it really matters.

* * *

**Survival Tip #6: Do not disturb the other Varia members' personal belongings unless you have one of the following two things: 1) A death wish or 2) Permission from the Varia members. **

"It's raining~! It's pouring~! I'm bored and you're boring," I sang, staring out the window dully. The three youngest Varia members and a chicken were hanging out in the Varia living room…Never mind. Hanging out would imply we're doing something. Which we're not (obviously). Squ and Luss went out for a mission and the Boss just does what he wants. And what he wants is to not be here.

"Shishi, just watch the Prince play darts and feel inferior," Bel laughed, picking up a few darts. I shrugged and turned away from the window.

"Alright. This is Star Locke with her fellow MCs, Fran and Cluck. Today, we are observing a most promising dart player, Poser Belphegor–" I dodged the incoming dart.

"Oh, it says on this paper _Prince_ Belphegor. This fake prince's dart skills are hopefully better than his handwriting," Fran said, joining in. He dodged the incoming dart.

"Cluck cluck," Cluck clucked. If mocking Bel's dart skills doesn't work, I guess I can try tongue twisters.

"The amateur player—" I ducked the 3 darts aimed for my head.

"–takes up the dart…And missed! Way off, in fact," Fran added, talking through some darts being pierced through his hat.

"Indeed, Fran. This idiot has hit your hat instead. He ought to be disqualified!" I cheered on, twisting my body to avoid the darts.

"For violent actions or not, he will be disqualified. This egotistic moron has used up all his darts and failed to hit the board once," Fran concluded. I nodded cheerfully and mouthed "fail" in Bel's direction. Bel, laughing dangerously a few feet away from us, pulled out his knives.

* * *

"Okay. So we played darts, bandaged my hand and forehead, got Fran a new hat, fed Cluck, and even cartwheeled off the mansion's roof on a rainy day while doing flips. What now?" I asked, petting my forehead's bandages gingerly.

…

* * *

PLAN A-

"The Prince wants torture!" (Sadistic…and Masochistic Fool)

"Great! Just hand me all your knives and get in that electric chair over there." (Me, taking the statement the wrong way)

"How about this Iron Maiden? It's made of fools' gold. Y'know, for fake-princes like you." (The Clever One)

"…" (The One with Too Many Knives and Finally Found a Use for Them)

PLAN B-

"The Prince is still bored." (Captain Obvious)

"You just need a change in life. How about becoming a peasant?" (When I Realized I Held Little Value for my Life)

"No." (The One Who Threw a Knife at Me)

PLAN C-

"We can tell jokes." (The One that's Not Funny, me)

"Alright. What do you get when you place a fake-prince, a weird girl, and a hero with a stupid, unwanted frog hat together in the Varia living room?" (Genius Comedian)

"I think I know this one…but I'm too lazy to think. Tell us." (Me)

"Boredom."

PLAN D-

"Let's cut Bel's hair!" (Me)

"I will not allow peasants to touch my hair." (The One that Needs a Haircut)

"We'll wear gloves!" (Me, eagerly)

"No." (The One Who Threw a Knife at Me)

PLAN E-

"Let's replace Luss' dresses with manly clothes." (Fran, whose IQ Must Have Been Over 200)

"Fran…you're epic awesome." (Me, in awe)

"Shishi." (Prince)

And _that_ was the beginning of all the troubles I don't think I deserved…because some people who have personally experienced what I'm like with an actual weapon (Verbal attacks do not actually cause damage, as I found out. In fact, it's the opposite) would beg to differ. Fortunately, they no longer exist in this world. So I don't think I deserved what ensued.

* * *

"Hey, look at this," I pulled out a heavy leather jacket with metal decorations from the Varia closet. Basically a whole room dedicated to storing beautiful, expensive clothes, which Xanxus apparently does spend money on. For no reason. Because we have uniforms. Pointless.

"Great. Lussuria would hate it. Give it here."

I tossed Fran the jacket.

"How about this tux?"

"Manly."

"This shirt?"

"Manly."

"This kilt?"

"No."

"What? But it's so manly!"

"Explain how it's manly."

"You don't see women wearing it. And men wear them. So therefore it's manly."

"Give it here then."

* * *

"Don't we need permission for this?" I asked, opening the door slowly. I peeked in, darting my eyes back and forth. I opened the door fully before Fran and Bel caught up.

"Shishi. The Prince gives you permission," Bel shoved the box of clothes into my hands and walked over to the wardrobe.

…

"I'll give you permission too," Fran said, pushing me towards the closet.

…

"…So we burn the gowns or what?"

**[Congratulations! You have followed Tip #6! +More injuries than you can afford (seriously, you don't have enough money for the hospital fees)!]**

**

* * *

**

So we replaced Luss' wardrobe. We also resisted the urge to burn down his pink room. If it was any pinker, I would have thought the wall was blushing. Imagine that. Blushing walls. I take personification to a whole new level. Meaning I degraded it.

"So we're back to being bored."

"No. We're back to the kitchen looking for orange juice to replace the Boss' beers."

* * *

"Alright, let's go," I opened the door to the Boss' office. A creepy face greeted me.

"EHHH!"

"What are you brats doing in the Boss' office?"

"Oh…dang, I totally forgot about you."

"The Prince forgot you too."

"I think we all forgot you."

Yes, that's right. We've been loitering inside this mansion for hours thinking we were the only ones here and being bored. But,_ no_, we weren't. No, this idiot was here as well. And we totally forgot about him. Lightning (Failure of a) Guardian, Leviathan.

"WHAAAT? YOU BRATS I WILL—" and he cursed. A lot. There was that word and that word that I'm not allowed to say.

"I really don't understand the point of placing a bunch of curses. We can insult you fine without them," I pointed out.

"Lightning pervert."

"Peasant."

"See?" I smiled, indicating my companions' excellent skills. I was almost jealous. Almost being the keyword. Sarcasm being the key tone.

"_Beep beep beep_" was the background music while Bel, Fran, and I formed a plan to get rid of Levi, who obviously picked up a few words from the Boss and was showing them off right now.

"Hey, Levi. Sorry to interrupt your…what were you doing? Never mind, I don't care. And I'm not really sorry either. That may provoke your anger even more, but I don't really care. And besides, that's—"

"Get to the damned point, idiot," Bel (rudely) interrupted.

"I take offense at that remark! And that was what I was doing. Getting to the point…right…right. Oh, I was just wondering why you're not with the Boss?"

"…The Boss…went without me."

"Ah, silly Levi. This is a test from the Boss. He wants you to find him and prove you're loyal to him," I spouted nonsense.

"…R-Really?"

"Yes, and if you don't get out and find him right now, you'll fail and he'll be forever disappointed in you."

"WHAT? OH, I HAVE TO FIND THE BOSS _NOW_!"

"I heard he was spotted in…Antarctica…'cause he was craving…penguins."

"ALRIGHT! I'M COMING, BOSS!" and Levi ran right out of the office and onto the private helicopter.

"That guy's really funny."

"You mean he's really stupid."

"It's not like he'd be funny if he wasn't stupid."

"Point taken. Just help me with this orange juice."

* * *

"Alright. _Now _we're bored again."

"No. Now we're heading to Levi's room to replace his piercing rings with plastic jewelry."

* * *

"I bet these things can sell on eBay," I held up a set of gold rings.

"Greedy little girl…I demand profits be split 75%, 12%, 12%, and 1%," Bel said, examining a set of silver rings. Someone remembered Cluck's presence.

"Oh, you're find with 1%?," Fran said, shoving plastic jewelry in the small wood box.

"The Prince will receive the 75%...plus your taxes."

"What do I get?" I complained.

"This knife."

* * *

"Are we heading to Squalo's next?" I asked, shuffling through my suitcase. Bel and Fran waited at the doorway. I've yet to unpack most of my things, but I'm pretty sure they were here somewhere…

"Yeah."

"Well I feel bad that you guys came up with all the ideas of messing everyone else's things up. Especially you Bel. It must have really hurt your tiny brain. I'm _so_ sorry. (knifed) But you don't have to use up what little brain cells you have left because–(knifed) I got this," I rummaged through my suitcase a bit more before tossing Bel and Fran the secrets to my plan.

"…A jar of honey and gummy Mentos?"

* * *

"Wow, Squalo really keeps his bathroom clean," I whistled as I walked into a pearly white room off to the side of Squalo's room.

"Oh~ The idiot captain is actually good at something. I should nominate him to do the house chores next time," Fran noted.

"Alright. Oh here it is. L'oreal?"

"Because he's worth it."

"Uh…yeah. Just help me dump the contents and put this honey in it instead. Bel, you place this gummy Mentos thing in the showerhead. I hear that it makes the water all sticky but the person won't realize it until they dry off."

* * *

"All that's left is to enjoy the show."

"The show will send us straight to the hospital."

"It'll be worth it."

* * *

**EXTRA-**_ Because I Wanted to Exceed 2,000 Word Count on One Chapter_ OR _The XS Moment Someone Requested_

_-Some 500 Years Ago When Squalo Was Young and Xanxus Was Too-_

"...L'oreal?" Squalo held the small bottle of shampoo. Xanxus had thrown that at him before sitting back down on his throne, facing away from his minion.

_"_It will be some years before I will succeed the Vongola family. You swore and the last thing I need is lice."

...

"Are you sure it's not because I'm worth it?"

* * *

**Very-Boring-Miscellaneous Notice:**

I despise this chapter. I don't think it was funny. I had to rewrite it. And I don't feel like rewriting it again so I uploaded it. Yay. It's been some time since I uploaded, anyway.

Anyway, I changed the genre to Humor alone. I don't really remember why I had Romance to start with. Probably because OC stories usually have it. I might write another fic with BelOCFran, though. :) Look forward to it?

Questions:

•Should I include the future arc?

•Did I spell L'oreal correctly?

•Will you review? :)

I honestly forgot Levi back there so I just stuck him there and got rid of him. I think that part turned out okay...


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer**: I don't own KHR! :( That's a sad face. Because I'm sad about it. Just saying.

* * *

It was moments ago that Lussuria discovered a line of punkish clothing in his wardrobe after his shower. He closed the door almost immediately after.

…

…

Open.

…

Nope, this was real. Leather jackets, ripped jeans, and kilts have found their way into his wardrobe.

1st Line of Thought: Chuck Norris had found his way into his room and replaced his clothes. Oh, how he loved that man!

2nd Line of Thought: Chuck Norris died.

3rd Line of Thought: …

4th Line of Thought: Someone's going to get punished.

* * *

Around the same time, Xanxus arrived in his office. He had run out of bullets shooting waiters and waitresses who refused to serve him beef lightly grilled and simmered in a bit of wine. No, those morons offered him _seafood_ instead. Apparently they didn't serve anything but seafood there. Xanxus was very much offended that they suggested he knew no difference between a seafood restaurant and…a restaurant. Especially when the sign outside read very clearly "Chef Pablo's Seafoo—"…never mind.

So he popped some beer to—WHAT THE F***ING HELL ON EARTH WITH A SIDE OF BBQ STEAK AND A BIT OF TEQUILA WAS THIS SH*TTY BEER? THE F***?

1st Line of Thought: The waiters/waitresses are getting revenge.

2nd Line of Thought: They died.

3rd Line of Thought: …

4th Line of Thought: Someone was going to be killed.

* * *

Levi was almost frozen to death from his trip to Antarctica. Guess what? The Boss wasn't there. The brats had lied…probably. But he decided, just in case, to bring back a penguin.

The piercings he had before had pretty much froze off of him in the Antarctic. That was okay because he had plastic jewelry to make up for it. Wait, what?

1st Line of Thought: His jewelry collection from kindergarten had come back to haunt him.

2nd Line of Thought: They died.

3rd Line of Thought: …

4th Line of Thought: Someone was going to be electrocuted.

* * *

Squalo wanted nothing more than a peaceful shower and a thorough hair wash. His mission with Lussuria was 75% sexual harassment, 20% hair knots from braids, and 5% blood. That…was just sad. So he decided to take care of his glorious, beautiful, long, shiny, and…(damn, his vocabulary was running short)…hair. So he grabbed his bottle of shampoo and stared at the brown sticky liquid…was it like this before? Maybe it expired? But he couldn't care less and placed it on his hair. No bubbles formed…

Finally, Squalo decided to just wash it out of his hair and took the showerhead in his hand. Aiming it towards his hair, he got himself quite soaked too. Well, that's a shower for you. Finally, upon exiting the tub, he felt rather…layered in something _sticky_. Disgusting!

So he took a shower again.

And again.

And again.

Something was wrong here.

1st Line of Thought: What?

2nd Line of Thought: What?

3rd Line of Thought: What?

4th Line of Thought: I'm confused…

* * *

_-Random and Sudden Change Back to Star's First POV-_

Okay, this was not expected.

"This isn't fair. Are you guys that weak you need all four of you to bully us three 'brats'?"

"Shut it, Fran. You f***ing brats are going through hell in just a moment."

We took steps back until the wall hit us…or we hit the wall. Whatever.

"Hey, now, it wasn't us. It was—" I was cut off.

"—Bel-sempai," Fran finished. Bel's knives retreated into Fran's hat half a second after.

"Oh, really? You think the f***ing royal kid has enough brains to—"

"THE PRINCE IS NOT STUPID!" Bel interjected indignantly. _I beg to differ._

"I guess my lie had some faults…" Fran murmured thoughtfully.

"THE. PRINCE. IS. NOT. STUPID," Bel cried angrily, riddling Fran's hat with his knives. Amazing Bel was still _smiling_. Sadistic? Totally.

Four deadly assassins were looming over us three who were leaning against the wall. If you look to the side, you'll see a TV that featured hidden cameras that were installed in the 4 Varia members that were currently looking very...how should I say this? Terrible and extremely angry. Yes, apparently Bel and Fran installed cameras in each room a year ago.

* * *

_-Random and Sudden Flashback to When I Found Out-_

_"You guys installed hidden cameras?"_

_"Yeah."_

_..._

_"You have some kind of gay crush on one of them or something?"_

_..._

_"You didn't have to throw a knife at me. A simple 'yes' would have sufficed."_

_..._

_"At this rate, I'm never going to survive the walk to the TV and never view all the splendid reactions of our colleagues. Do you have a band-aid?"_

* * *

"Right. So I'm going to kill you first," Squalo grinned, baring all his shark teeth. Yeah, he was not 10 feet away. But pulling out my earplugs right now does not seem like a smart move.

…What?

"Wait! You can't kill us! If you kill us…you'll…uh…have no strategists on this squad," I blurted randomly. Personally, I didn't think this was going to work since reasoning doesn't work on the Varia. But Squalo and Levi turned to each other, hesitating. How nice that they realize they're the most idiotic ones on this "team."

"…She's right, Squ-chan. These two are geniuses!" Lussuria motioned at Fran and Bel thoughtfully.

…

…

Hey, wait…

"WHAT ABOUT ME?"

"Oh…and she has to take care of the chicken," Lussuria smiled.

…

IS THAT ALL I'M GOOD FOR? I felt Cluck pecking my leg lightly.

Apparently so.

"So we can't kill them?"

"Apparently not."

"Can't we replace them?"

"Oh, _yeah_. I dare you to look for two brats with genius level IQs _and_ high leveled assassin skills with storm and mist flame attributes."

"Can we at least kill off the cloud kid?"

"Huh. But won't that be kind of unfair?"

Since when the Varia cared about fairness, I do not know. But I'm glad they did. And justice for all!

"So…we just let them go?"

"Hell no."

"When the world freezes over."

"So we just wait for the next Ice Age?" I asked hopefully.

Glares.

"Sorry."

"So I think we should just punish them. Severely. Like hospitalized for 5 months."

"Okay. I'll take the royal kid and you—"

"I WANT TO KILL THE ROYAL KID!"

"No! I called him fi—"

"Isn't it nice to know everyone's fighting over you, Bel-sempai?" Fran turned to Bel. If Fran showed emotion, I'm pretty sure that would have been a smirk.

"IDIOTS! WE CAN F***ING TAKE TURNS PUNISHING THE TRASH!" Squalo roared impatiently. If Squalo was angry before, he was furious now. No, wait, he was furious _before_. So I guess that makes him raging now.

…

…

Rage!

…

"Rock paper scissors?"

* * *

"Okay! Me first!" Lussuria said gleefully.

"Why do we have to comply with your punishments?" I asked. The three of us followed Lussuria out of the room. Make that four since Cluck followed us. He was hungry, okay? Fran's hair looks like grass and Bel's hair looks like wheat. The other members went off their separate ways, obviously angry that they did not get to go first.

"Because! If you don't, we might really consider giving you up to the Vindice! Or really kill you! Maybe torture you in the dungeon."

"The Prince is offended. The Prince should be doing the punishing!"

"Then you should have thought of that before you joined these two with trouble-making."

"Okay, so my punishment is—Fran, I want a drumroll—is…" Lussuria began when we got down to the lobby.

"Stupid peasant! Get off the Prince's head," Bel said angrily, sticking a few more knives in Fran's hat. Fran did not stop tapping on Bel's head.

"But, Bel-sempai, you head is hollow so it makes a good drumroll sound," Fran protested.

"…is…no punishment!"

…

…

…

"Cluck cluck."

…

"You guys aren't going to be punished," Lussuria beamed as if this was the most brilliant plan he had conceived. He looked so proud of himself, I felt bad telling him that it wasn't a punishment. So I didn't. But I _did_ pretend to act very hurt.

"This isn't fair," Fran said monotonously.

"This sucks," I muttered, following Fran's lead.

"…The peasant is torturing us," Bel agreed.

"Cluck cluck."

"You should have thought about this when you ruined our things. Now I want you to sit here and think about what you've done," Lussuria beamed, thinking this guilt punishment was working.

"…Can't we get a different punishment?" Fran asked, knowing all too well how this was going to end.

"Nope~! Now I'm going to leave you alone here with your punishment, sweethearts," Lussuria sang pleasantly as he exited the lobby.

…

…

"Cluck cluck."

"Yeah, let's go out for dinner."

"I can't believe Lussuria thought we'd have a _conscience._"

**Survival Tip #7: Do not retain a conscience since it might affect your work.**

**[Congratulations! You have followed Tip #7! +Dinner during "Punishment/Free Time"!]**

* * *

**Some-Kind-Of Notice:**

**NICE BUT KINDA USELESS PART:** I'm awful sorry I haven't updated. I blame writer's block. A reviewer pointed out I spelled L'oreal wrong. So...thanks and sorry :( Another reviewer mentioned hidden cameras and...I wasn't thinking ahead for this story and now...THAT'S BRILLIANT! That's how Fran, Bel, Star, and Cluck (who is INCREDIBLY popular) watched the reactions though it's not really mentioned. So thanks :) And some reviewers answered my questions from the last chapter. Thank you to you too. So I'll introduce the guardians and then the future arc after this mini-story. Thank you _all_ for the reviews. The last chapter didn't get such a bad reception and it turns out some of you actually liked it. :) Thanks.

**IMPORTANT PART! YOU KNOW, THE PART YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY WANT TO READ. YEAH, IT'S HERE! Uh...please read?:** I liked the beginning of this chapter. I can slap myself for the middle to end. Too much confusing dialogue and some OOCness. If you don't like this chapter, _please_ tell me. I will remove and redo it. And the tip in Chapter 4, injuries will come later. Promise.


	6. Chapter 6

Oh, wow, is this an update?

**Disclaimer**: I do not own KHR! But I do own this really soft gray hoodie…

* * *

**Survival Tip #8: Always have a backup plan. Always (because Xanxus will kill you if you fail).**

The Varia never teamed up on anything. Someone was bound to disagree. So, hey, that makes 4 out of 7 not bad. Not bad at all.

…

This is bad.

"Oh no," I said after quietly opening the front door to the mansion…only to face some angry colleagues…and the Boss (who regretfully outranked us all).

"VOOOIII! WHERE THE F*CK HAVE YOU BEEN?" Squalo leaped out of his seat and pointed his sword at us. He was furious for unknown reasons, obvious through the several anger veins visible.

"Hold on, Squalo…Don't cut them down just yet," Lussuria said calmly, holding back the sword-wielding idiot before turning to us, "I thought I told you to stay in the living room!"

"Uh…uh…"

"We were out getting therapy treatment," Fran interjected.

Yeah, I wasted 300€ to talk to someone for an hour about my unreal regret.

"Shishi…we felt terrible—"

"Our guilt…was…overwhelming," I cut in before Bel could add peasant to the end of his statement, because it sounded sweeter without it. It also sounded like freedom and less detached limbs.

"D'awww," Lussuria was in awe, little hearts radiating.

"Yeah, and we'd be ever so grateful if you'd forgive us and punish only Bel-sempai," Fran added.

"Of cour—"

"Like f*cking hell!" Damn! We've forgotten Squalo lacked the intelligence to comprehend and pity our imaginary guilt.

"Let's kill 'em!" and I was instantly reminded of cliché movie scenes where a gang of people suddenly raise up their weapons and run towards victims threateningly all the while screaming. Except Squalo did all the screaming.

We did not follow the movie's plotline where we'd be mirroring their movements.

We did it Cluck's way. Chicken out.

"The one day I leave my weapons in my room…"

"Cluck!"

"Yeah, I guess you can have them when I die…"

* * *

Was that…my arm lying on this unsanitary forest ground? I don't remember it being detached and adorned with bruises and cuts—_Oh…_

Hey, look there are even bullets lodged in the forearm. Must by Xanxus' handiwork. And the cut that separated my arm for the rest of the body is so _clean_. I'll give Squalo that much credit. Oh, was that a 3rd degree burn over there? Oh, Levi... And Lussuria! He must have broken some of my bones…

Hey, wait a damned moment. Didn't he already penalize us? That bastard…If I get out of this alive…I will…do something about this.

And what the heck happened to me? I started off rambling about how _professionally_ they sliced me to bits. Maybe I'm a masochist and get kicks out of seeing dismembered limbs. Fran is so influential…

What happened to Fran anyway? And Bel? I'm so caring. I wonder whether they're uninjured or not. I hoped they're not.

"…Yeah, we got this," a distant voice called. I felt myself being lifted and pains from several different wounds shot through me. Or at least, whatever "me" was still attached to this head. Why am I conscious anyway? Oh, well. Time to use it to my advantage.

"Wait," I whispered hoarsely and spoke again after whoever was dragging me stopped to acknowledge they heard me, "Can you grab my arm, foot, and wallet over there? Also, I kind of left my laptop at the mansion…"

"…I think we need a tranquilizer shot here."

* * *

_Am I…dead?_

_ …_

_ If I'm able to think of pathetic overused cliché lines that often come during and after a dramatic death scene, I am not dead...possibly._

_ …_

_ …_

_ I demand something to happen. I command you._

_ …_

_ Screw you. I have better things to do when I'm half-conscious and near death (maybe). Like…Like…Like…forcing a flashback of my life…_

_-Yesterday Flashback-_

"We're not going to make it."

"Unless we have a sacrifice."

…

_-End of Flashback-_

_ WHY THOSE SONS OF A GUN! THEY LEFT ME BEHIND TO SAVE THEIR OWN UNDESERVING SELVES! NO, THEY DIDN'T LEAVE ME BEHIND! THEY KICKED ME, I TRIPPED, AND THEY RAN AWAY! I hope they died, came back to life, got tortured, and then died again. Where's Cluck anyway?_

I heard the door to whatever room I'm in open.

"Yes, Doctor. I'll alert her, but right now I need to write the report."

Wow, I'm in a hospital? I cracked open one of my eyes and faced a completely white ceiling.

"Ah, Miss Star, you're awake?"

"I am now."

"Good afternoon then. Well, Miss Star, it says here you've been attacked by savage wild beasts in the forest. A companion, Miss Lussu, reported this and you were brought here."

_Oh, what lies. Except maybe that savage wild beasts part. _

"Great, give hi— her a punch in the face for me as a token of my appreciation."

The nurse stared at me.

"He—She's a masochist."

"Oh, I see."

"So how much are the costs for my injuries?"

"Uh…40,000€?"

…

"By any chance, did I win the lottery while fainted?"

* * *

As soon as the nurse left my room, I reached for my cellphone (but not without displacing my arm again which was probably an extra million more loads of cash on my already deep debt) on the counter. Speed dial 9 and…

_*Ring*_

…

_*Ring*_

…

_*Ring*_

_Me (thinking): DAMMIT, PICK UP THE PHONE!_

_*Click*_

_Dino: Hey, Star. Haven't talked to you for a while!_

_Me (gruff voice): Hello…speed dial 9._

_Dino: What._

_Me (GV): Listen, I've kidnapped this 'Star' person and will return her if you pay me 40,000__._

_Dino: What? Seriously?_

_Me (GV): Yes._

_Dino: Shouldn't you have called speed dial 1?_

_Me (GV) (facepalm): Uh…They didn't answer._

_Dino: Speed dial 2?_

_Me (GV): Shut up and just pay._

_Dino: Gee, so touchy. Can't I just find her, help her out, fight you, and not pay?_

_Me (GV): No._

_Dino: Oh, fine. Turned out I won the lottery anyway._

_Me (GV): …You basta__—__I mean, leave the money at [Psh, like I'm going to reveal where the money is]._

_Dino: Alright, then._

_Me (GV): Call me back when you're done and I'll tell you where you can find the girl. *click*_

I sighed and dropped the phone next to my pillow. It'll be more convenient this way. Now…

**[Congratulations! You have followed Survival Tip #8! +40,000****€!]**

* * *

_-The Next Day-_

"Star, you awake?"

My eyes shot open instinctively. Dino's face greeted me. _Not_ how I want to start my mornings…

"Ciao, Dino," I yawned.

"Ciao! And shouldn't you be thanking me?"

"For wh—Oh, yeah. Thanks for paying my bills—er, to my…kidnapper…" I corrected myself. I'm glad Dino thinks I'm too weak to take care of a kidnapper.

…

Actually, if I think about it, I am so very offended. I am _not_ that weak…

"You're welcome!" he beamed, "_and_ I brought you visitors!"

…I looked around. There was no one but Dino and me.

"_Please_ tell me they're your subordinates."

"What? Uh…no."

"Then get away from all this equipment that may be the only thing separating me from death."

"Oh! Right," Dino laughed sheepishly and backed up slowly.

"Well, um, Tsuna! You and your friends can come in now!"

* * *

**Oh-My Notice:**

AND CHAP 6 IS HERE! Though I feel...meh about this chapter and its few preceding ones. God, I feel like scrapping the last one ever since I found an old draft I thought was infinite better than whatever stupidity I uploaded. And Star seems a bit off to me here...

YEAH! So that's over (rejoice?)! :D Sorry for not updating in...3 months or something (and when I did, it has to be something lame like this), but thanks for the support. Ehehehe...Leave a review?


	7. Chapter 7 sort of

Sorry? This chapter isn't even complete. But I really wanted to upload something since today marks a full year of writing this story. I stopped writing for a few months. Then realized TODAY was coming up and tried to rush. This will come out in two parts. For now. Or I will edit this later with the rest of the chapter. The Survival Tip=spoiler though.

WARNING: THIS "CHAPTER" SUCKS. Not lying.

Disclaimer: I...don't...I just...don't.

* * *

**Survival Tip #9: Never have Xanxus and the current Tenth Vongola leader together in the same room. Kick one of them out immediately before death ensues. And property damage.**

I was going to meet Decimo. The Tenth. The legendary leader of the Vongola Family, home to almost every illegal business known to mankind. Well, I was bound to meet him eventually. I hadn't given him much thought, but as soon as Dino mentioned his name, my mind conjured up an image of him:

Mr. Sawada…in a dark, well-fitted suit, a blood-red tie with the coldest black eyes, he emits an aura that induces fear into all who are unfortunate enough to be within a mile radius of him and his henchman whose loyalty to him remains unwavering and fierce.

And he has a mustache.

…

No, no, I'm just kidding. Aren't I funny? DAMMIT, THE DRUGS ARE GETTING TO ME. But Dino wouldn't be friends with a guy like that. He probably has an equally weak personality and eyes to complement his cowardice.

And he has a mustache.

No doubt about that.

But the person who walked through the door didn't have a mustache.

Which was a good thing because she was a woman.

"Hourly check-up on critical care patient. Get out."

"Hey, I thought I was going to meet Decimo…"

"…Who? …Some weird gang was hanging out in the hall; funny matching rings and some scrawny brunette guy who was having a bad hair day had the largest ring. Talking about him?"

Scrawny brunette with bad hair? That doesn't sound like him...

"…I don't think s—"

"YES," Dino interrupted.

…He's kidding, right? Maybe I'm hearing things. I am, after all, a critical care patient. And drugs, man. Maybe I went insane halfway. Kind of like Bel.

Dino smiled at me reassuringly. Perhaps this was a cunning ploy…I don't get it. Alright, let's think about this in an elementary manner.

Dino. Is. Lying.

About?

Tenth's. Identity.

He's…protecting the Tenth? By picking the least suspecting person!

…

Very smart…for the likes of Dino.

Very stupid, even for the likes of Dino.

"What the hell am I supposed to be looking at?" I deadpanned. Dino looked at me confused.

"Um…the Tenth Generation Vongola?" he offered.

I squinted with my one available eye. _OW OW OW OW._

"Star?" Dino tilted his head, concerned.

None of them had a mustache. Is he suggesting the infamous Vongola leader, who beat even Xanxus (who beats us in turn), does _not_ have a mustache?

Impossible.

After all, Xanxus only lost because he did not have a mustache.

Fact.

"STAR?" Dino panicked, gripping my arms so he could shake me out of my unresponsive state.

"Oh, hello, Dino. And…um…Decimo," I watched the strangers stand in the room motionlessly. I waited for one of them to respond. Hey, I didn't know which one of them was Decimo. So I waited with the assumption the first person to respond is Decimo.

…

…

Awkward silence…

…

…

"Um…Tsuna went to the bathroom," a man finally broke the silence. He grinned brightly albeit a bit stupidly.

…

"Uh…I knew that," I replied knowledgably. Squalo's idiocy is _so_ contagious…

Well, that'd explain why no one here has a mustache. It made perfect sense now.

"Um, anyway, let's introduce ourselves," Dino decided.

"I am Dino, tenth generation leader of the Cavallone family…in case you forgot."

"…What the hell, Dino?"

"Uh…the nurse said you might have temporary memory loss, so…"

"Shut up. Now go stand over there and think about what you just said."

…

"Heh, useless Bucking Horse. Serves you right. Anyway, as the Vongola's best and strongest leader to ever exist and ever _will_ exist's loyal right-hand man, I introduce myself as Gokudera Hayato. I'd like to warn you…IF YOU VARIA TRASH EVER—"

"…Are you Xanxus' kid or something?"

…

"WHAT THE F*CK? DAMNED WOMAN, I'M GONNA—"

"Maa, maa, Gokudera. C'mon, you're on Varia property."

"That's _the Prince's_ property, actually. Shishishi~"

Oh, shoot, I knew that laugh. It belongs to—

"…POSER BELPHEGOR!...YOU BASTARD, YOU'RE UNSCATHED!"

"Oh? Shishishi, the Prince didn't recognize you peasant…Is white bandages the latest plebeian fashion?"

"No, it's the _royal_ fashion considering YOU'RE PRACTICALLY THE ONE WHO GAVE ME THIS."

"Ushishishi, I think it suits you~ The Prince has good tastes."

"GET DOWN HERE SO I CAN…" I paused…what can I do in my state? Hmm…

"…GLARE AT YOU PROPERLY…WITH ONE EYE!" I finished impressively. Even Bel thought so as his mouth twitched from witnessing my…so-called threat.

"…YOU'RE THAT KNIFE BASTARD…I think. You've gotten…hairier," Gokudera observed intelligently.

"Shishishi…" Bel grinned evilly, holding up the silver knives I had gotten close with since my admission. Allow us to get reacquainted as one of them stabbed into my arm after Gokudera deflected one of them. Or two. Or five. Lost count; WHERE THE HECK IS DINO?

"So…who do you think is going to win?" some frog who randomly appeared next to me asked. A rude, sarcastic, snarky, familiar frog who potentially shares the identity of the criminal who tripped me.

"I don't know. What do you think, you-jerk-that-left-me-to-die-in-the-hands-of-armed-idiots…except-maybe-the-boss-who-is-not-an-idiot-please-don't-kill-me?"

"Hm…the fake prince with the knife," he declared/cheered. I sniffed as I got ignored. Crippled people have feelings too…that explains why Fran's not feeling nor crippled.

"Well, I'm going to agree with you since you have a higher IQ than me and that fake prince with the knife would kill us if we even considered the guy who loves his boss just a tad more than norm."

"So you think it's actually the Decimo-worshipper?"

"Yes."

"Me too."

Stab. Stab. Stab.

"And one more for good measure, shishi~"

Stab.

And a bomb blew up in his face.

We cheered.

"THAT FIGHT INSPIRED ME TO THE EXTREME. HIBARI, FIGHT ME!" an overenthusiastic guy with a voice second only to Squalo challenged. I don't see how their fight and fighting Dino's "student" were related; maybe he just wanted to fight. What a horribly violent person! Why no, it's _not_ like the Varia does this every other day and I'm _not_ used to people randomly stabbing, punching, kicking, shooting, smashing, poking, clucking, maneuvering aside to what is hopefully safe territory to remove themselves from the path of dangerous flying projectiles, or just standing there to accept the fact that said dangerous flying projectiles will make a new home in your hat. Not used to this at all.

"I, RYOHEI SASAGAWA, FORMALLY (EXTREMELY FORMAL) CHALLENGE YOU, HIBARI…SOMETHING OR OTHER, TO AN EXTREMELY EXTREME BATTLE OF EXTREMENESS THAT ONLY EXTREME PEOPLE SUCH AS OUR EXTREME SELVES CAN UNDERSTAND EXTREMELY AND EXTREMELY FIGHT TO THE EXTREME!"

"Hn. Stop your herbivorous shouting."

"What? NO, KYOYA! PUT THOSE TONFAS AWAY!" Dino wailed as he ran over to the people who took over Bel and Gokudera's job of property-damaging.

"VOOOOOOIIIII! WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING HERE, BRATS?…EH? YOU'RE ALIVE, WOMAN?" Squalo yelled, coming down from the top of the staircase.

"HEY, YOU'RE THE GUY SLICED ME TO BITS WITH A FRUIT KNIFE! GET DOWN HERE SO I CAN…GLARE AT YOU PROPERLY...TEN FEET AWAY!"

"FRUIT KNIFE? _FRUIT KNIFE? **FRUIT KNIFE? **_BRAT, I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU WISH YOU DIDN'T SURVIVE THAT!"

"Survive what? YOUR BUTTER KNIFE SCRATCHES?" _What the heck am I saying? SHUT UP, STAR. Clearly, you're delusional and don't realize you're crippled and have no strength to fend anyone off. Not that you could even if you were healthier than Xanxus whose diet consists of alcohol and meat and exercise program consisting of smashing vases on silver-haired androgynous people whose mouth and lungs is 90% of their body composition. Boss is really healthy, okay?_ WHOA, SQUALO MADE IT DOWN HERE FAST. Uh, think of something…something intelligent…no, think of something stupid…something Squalo can comprehend and persuade him out of killing me…

"…Uh…Nice hair…"

* * *

**EXTRA- **_How to be Extremely Extreme aka Interviewing Ryohei Sasagawa_

"You're extremely extreme, aren't you?"

"EXTREME."

"That too. So how extremely extreme can your extremity extend to the extreme?"

"TO THE EXTREME."

"THAT extreme, huh. That's rather extremely extreme, isn't it?"

"EXTREMELY AGREE TO THE EXTREME OF EXTREMITY."

"Can the extreme you extremely describe how to be extremely extreme when one that is un-extreme extremely wishes to be extremely extreme like the extremely extreme you who is the extremely physical form of extremeness?"

"JOIN THE BOXING CLUB."

* * *

**Thank-You Notice:**

By the way, Fran in an apple hat...:D I love Dino...WHY AM I TREATING HIM LIKE THIS? T^T

1 YEAR :) THANK YOU. *hugs you*

*will write a better A/N when I finish this chapter or completely destroy it*

*wants you to comment so I can edit anything disagreeable when the time comes*

The word extreme has lost all meaning to me.


End file.
